Rex Ryan….Tool

Posted on November 11, 2011


Hey future movie star, how’s it going this Monday morning. Did Adam Sandler call you on Sunday afternoon to wish you luck?  I bet you guys had fun on the set together.  Laughing it up about the Belichick bobble-head and the Brady poster.  That scene looks so funny it had to be written by that comic movie genius Sandler himself.  All seems pretty stupid now doesn’t it.  While you were doing your pre-game taped segment with Bob Costas to increase your pompous, self promoted, bulbous profile, Bill Belichick was watching tape.  You could not have needed this game more.  You were at home, you had won three in a row and on a roll.  You actually were able to keep your fat trap shut this week, so as not to stir emotion in the Patriots locker room.  Your opponent was struggling in ways not seen in ages.  This was your time to take it.  Seize the throne of the AFC East, once and for all.  This was going to signal the real changing of the guard, and the new colors were going to fly green and white because of you.  You were secretly giddy in practice all week.  Joking with all of your assistant coaches like a plump schoolgirl discovering Oreo’s in her lunch bag.  You could barely contain yourself as you planned your first drive.  Sanchez, the wonder-boy was going to have a pass happy start for a touchdown and put the maligned defense on its precarious heels.  Then you follow with a steady diet of the “Ground and Pound” as you call it.  That sounds like a good game plan to me, you said, as it was told to you by your assistants, before you snuck out early for the new Wendy’s Hot N’ Juicy (triple no doubt).

You could not be more excited to be the coach that rammed the final nails in Belichick’s season.  The whole evening was planned out: Smash the Patriots into the ground, give the game ball to whomever took out Brady’s leg, go home and suck down a few brews while eating until cross-eyed, and then finish it off with a nice toe sucking session with you trollish wife.  Unfortunately, the plan did not work out as desired, but at least you got the sympathy toe sucking session after you put on your pouty face.  You are a tool.  I can not wait for the day your assistant coaches head for greener pastures with better coaching offers and you are forced to hire new guys.  Then we will see you for the fraud you are.  You are a circus clown.  You are the cherubic jolly guy that tries to be everyone’s buddy and smile all the time in order to hide the fact that you read at a first grade level.  Sure you have had some success in spite of yourself, and your “I’m one of the Guy’s”, and “we take no shit from anyone” approach, has worked at times.  But when the rubber meets the road and you really need to win, whether it’s AFC championship games, or big divisional games that will decide the fate of your season, you can’t do it because you are stupid.  Go to the corner with your crafty one liners and your media camera’s following you, and stare at the wall, just like you did every other day in elementary school.  You got taken to the woodshed and whooped like it was your daddy all over again.  Only Buddy took it easy on you, because he always had to give your idiot brother Rob a few extra licks because he was (unfathomably) even dumber than you.

In case you are fuzzy on what happened lets recap for a second shall we?  Your team (as HC of the NYJ) lost to the worst ranked defense in the NFL.  Your teams’ offense could not score against six un-drafted free agents, most of which walked into the Patriots facility this past week!  Your team got spanked on a national stage in a must win game.  If I am a Jets fan, I would be calling for you to roll aside and leave the team.  That’s right, just tilt over to one side and roll right out of the meadowlands and save you, your family, and Jets fans everywhere, the embarrassment of pretending you can coach football.  There are plenty of things you could do outside of the game.  How about continuing to pursue this acting bug you seem to have?  Maybe you could be the next Chris Farley?  You could make silly sophomoric comedies and wear a dress and play a funny grandma type, and you would not even need the fat suit!  How about a a remake of “Planes, Trains, & Automobiles”?  Reprise the classic John Candy role as the pathetic loser that always manages to screw up, no heavy lifting there!  In the end it will not really matter what you do.  The big flatbed truck will still show up, and the saws will be put in motion.  The hole will be cut in the wall of the second story of your house, and the crane will lift and carry your massive idiotic frame out to the street, for the long ride down the New Jersey Turnpike with the headlights on.

Bets of the Night (pending from Friday)

Vikings Vs. Packers Under 51 Total Points  Bet $110 to win $100

This game is at Green Bay.  The Vikes stink to high heaven.  The Pack is the best team in the NFL. Green Bay is favored by 13.5 point.  Why the under?  Monday Night Football is why.  The Vikes will play with effort and heart.  They will not want to be the doormat for the Monday night coronation crew in the booth.  Will the Minnesota cover, maybe?  If you say maybe to that question you almost have to say yes to the under 51.

Will Christian Ponder (Vikings) throw and interception tonight? Yes  Bet $220 to win $100

Despite liking the Under in this game, I have to figure that with the Vikes trailing for most of the game, the rookie QB will be forced to sling it.  And when he does, look out.  This Green Bay secondary can play and will be salivating when Ponder drops back.  They may even knock into each other as they fight for the pick six, but lets hope not.

New Pending Long Shot Bet

David Toms to be the Top American Points Scorer in the Presidents Cup.  Bet $50 to win$600

With so many young guys and first timers on the U.S. team, Freddie Couples will be likely to pair Toms a lot.  This will give him more chances for points.  I also think he will get a day with Tiger who may respond to the team aspect of this event as just what the doctor ordered.  Toms is super steady and this course in Australia is a classic design and not crazy long.

News & Notes

- Lost both UFC bouts I bet on.  Clay Guida had about three chances for a submission on Henderson but could not make it happen.  As for the big Velasquez fight… not what you want if you are Dana White, a quick rabbit punch knock out of your champ.  But it was the highest rated MMA match in history. More of those to come for sure.

- So far 2-2 on the NFL this weekend with two bets pending (above).  I need these two as I am $405 down overall this weekend (UFC and NFL combined).

- Is it me, or did Ochocinco actually forget what to do when he catches a ball because it had been so long?


50/50Bets:Record Overall =  96-97-4
Win/Push Percentage = 50.76%

NFL Record Overall  (2011 Season) = 21-24-2

Monday Night Bets Record = 5-6

Best Bets = 16-10
Best Best Win Percentage = 61.53%

Kitty Total = $577.22

Profit/Loss =  -($564.21)

Long Odds Bets

Record = 2-25

Money Invested = $660.00

Winnings = $1,300.00

Categories: sports-commentary

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